The Fertile Darkness: When Your Body Knows What Your Mind Doesn't
When Healing Happens in the Spaces Between
Today, I want to share a story with you that still humbles me when I think about it. It’s about a moment in my Feldenkrais training when I was absolutely convinced that my body was failing me — and how wrong I was.
But more than that, it’s about trusting the fertile darkness. And if you’re in my Embodied Well Membership, you know we’re diving deep into this concept all Autumn long. There’s something about this season — the way nature trusts the unseen work happening beneath the surface — that holds profound wisdom for our own bodies and our own transformation.
So grab your favorite warm drink, get comfortable, and let me tell you about the day my nervous system taught me something my thinking mind never could have figured out on its own.
Because I have a feeling your body might be working some magic in its own fertile darkness right now… even if you can’t see it yet.
takes a breath
Here’s what happened…
The Moment I Thought My Body Was Broken
I’m lying on my back in my first year of Feldenkrais training, legs long and one arm stretched toward the ceiling, exploring an Awareness Through Movement lesson in the theme of “reach like a skeleton.” Around me, my classmates are flowing gracefully from their backs to their sides and back again.
Me? I’m completely stuck.
As a yoga teacher, personal trainer, and Pilates Instructor, this wasn’t just frustrating — it was mortifying. Here I was, supposedly someone with a “trained” body, and I couldn’t do what seemed like the simplest movement. My well-trained abdominal muscles, so good at stabilizing and controlling, had become my prison in this new world of organic movement.
When Your Body Feels Like It’s Failing You
I’ll never forget when our lead instructor approached me. The room seemed to quiet as she knelt beside me — that particular kind of silence that happens when everyone’s attention turns to the person who’s struggling and they can’t wait to see how to ‘fix it’.
“Can I work with you?” she asked gently.
Inside, my mind was screaming a desperate yes. Fix me. Show me what I’m doing wrong. I want to do it right. Why am I the only one who can’t do this?
What followed was a beautiful demonstration of Functional Integration hands-on work that the entire class could observe and learn from. I became the teaching moment, lying there as she moved my ribs, my spine, my arm with such exquisite care. I could feel twenty pairs of eyes watching, learning from my struggle.
“Try it now,” she said when she finished.
I took a breath, lengthened into my arm, and… nothing. Still stuck. Still, the one person in the room who couldn’t access this basic human movement.
I caught what looked like disappointment flash across her face — or maybe that was just my own shame reflecting back at me. Either way, the message was clear: even expert hands couldn’t unlock whatever was holding me captive.
For the rest of that training segment, this pattern continued. Day after day, the reaching, the attempting, the being stuck while others progressed from lying to rolling to sitting to standing. My beliefs about my abilities grew darker with each failed attempt. My fears about my future as a Feldenkrais Practitioner multiplied like weeds.
What if I’m not cut out for this? What if I can’t figure it out? What if I’m just too broken?
Understanding the Nervous System’s Hidden Intelligence
What I didn’t understand then was how the nervous system actually learns and integrates new patterns. Our brains don’t work like computers, downloading information and immediately having access to it. Instead, they work more like compost piles — taking in experiences, breaking them down, and slowly transforming them into something entirely new.
This process happens largely outside of conscious awareness. While we’re sleeping, while we’re going about our daily lives, while we think “nothing is happening,” our nervous systems are actually doing their most important work. They’re creating new neural pathways, integrating sensory information, and reorganizing movement patterns in ways that can’t be rushed or forced.
Neuroscientists call this “offline learning” or “consolidation.” It’s the reason you can struggle with something one day and then wake up the next morning with a completely different capacity. It’s why breakthroughs often happen not during intensive practice, but in the quiet spaces between sessions.
But in our achievement-oriented culture, we’ve learned to distrust this natural process. We want to see immediate results, measurable progress, linear improvement. When we can’t see evidence of change happening, we assume nothing is working.
What I didn’t understand then, what my nervous system knew but my conscious mind couldn’t grasp, was that something profound was happening in the spaces between those lessons. In what I now believe is part of the fertile darkness.
Seeds Taking Root In The Fertile Darkness
This is Autumn’s greatest teaching. Look around right now — the trees aren’t frantically trying to push their leaves back into green. They’re not fighting the natural cycle of release and rest. They’re trusting the fertile darkness of the season, knowing that what appears to be ending is actually preparation for new life.
In traditional cultures, Autumn was always understood as a time of going inward, of allowing the unseen work to happen. The seeds that fell to the earth weren’t considered dead or dormant — they were considered to be doing their most important work in the dark, quiet spaces where transformation happens.
This is exactly what was occurring in my nervous system during those two weeks after the training. While my thinking mind replayed the “failure” on repeat, while my ego constructed elaborate stories about my inadequacy, my body was quietly integrating everything it had learned.
Every gentle touch from my instructor’s hands. Every micro-movement we’d explored. Every moment of lying there, reaching toward the ceiling. All of it was composting in my nervous system, breaking down into the raw materials for new possibilities.
The Magic Your Midlife Body Already Knows
Two weeks later, I found myself in someone else’s movement class. The moment she said, “Take your arm forward and lengthen toward the ceiling,” my heart sank.
Oh no, not this lesson again. I can’t do this. Here we go with the frustration and failure all over again.
But then something extraordinary happened.
I lengthened into my arm and — effortlessly, gracefully, like I’d been doing it my whole life — rolled onto my side and back again.
The shock was electric. Not just the physical surprise, but the deeper recognition: my body had been working for me all along, even when my mind was convinced it was working against me.
…my body had been working for me all along, even when my mind was convinced it was working against me.
This is the magic that’s available to you right now, especially in midlife. We live in a culture that tells us our bodies are declining, failing, betraying us as we age. But what if the opposite is true? What if your body is actually getting wiser, more integrated, more capable of the kind of deep learning that can only happen with time and experience?
By midlife, we’ve planted so many seeds — of experience, of wisdom, of hard-won understanding about ourselves and the world. But we’re often so focused on what we can see happening on the surface that we miss the incredible work being done in our own fertile darkness.
Maybe you’ve been working on trusting your intuition, but you still find yourself second-guessing every decision. The fertile darkness is composting your experiences, preparing you to access that inner knowing with more clarity than ever before.
Maybe you’ve been learning to set boundaries, but you still feel guilty every time you say no. Your nervous system is integrating new patterns of self-respect that will one day feel as natural as breathing.
Maybe you’ve been trying to heal old wounds, but the pain still surfaces unexpectedly. Your body is doing the slow, sacred work of metabolizing trauma, creating space for parts of yourself you thought were lost forever.
Recognizing the Signs You’re In The Fertile Darkness
How do you know when your body is doing this invisible integration work? Here are some signs I’ve learned to recognize in myself and my clients:
You feel stuck or frustrated with your progress, even though you’re consistently showing up to your practices. This isn’t evidence that nothing is working — it’s often a sign that deep reorganization is happening beneath conscious awareness.
You have dreams that feel significant but you can’t quite grasp their meaning. Your unconscious is processing and integrating experiences in the symbolic language of dreams.
You feel more tired than usual, even though you’re not doing anything dramatically different. Integration work is energy-intensive, and your body may need more rest to support the process.
You find yourself drawn to quiet, solitary activities — reading, walking in nature, taking baths, journaling. Your nervous system is calling for the spaciousness it needs to do its work.
You feel emotional in unexpected moments — crying at commercials, feeling overwhelmed by beauty, experiencing grief or joy that seems to come from nowhere. Emotions are part of how the body processes and releases old patterns.
These aren’t signs that something is wrong — they’re signs that something is working.
Trusting What Cannot Be Seen
This is Autumn’s invitation: to trust the fertile darkness. To believe that your body — your magnificent, wise, ever-adapting body — is working for you even when you can’t see the evidence yet.
The seeds you’ve planted through your healing work, your movement practice, your commitment to growth — they’re not lying dormant. They’re actively transforming in the rich darkness of your nervous system, preparing to emerge as new capacities you can’t yet imagine.
Your biology is on your side. Your body knows things your mind doesn’t. And sometimes the most profound transformations happen not through force or effort, but through the radical act of trusting what cannot yet be seen.
As we move deeper into Autumn, I invite you to consider:
What might be composting in your own fertile darkness right now?
What seeds of possibility are quietly preparing to surprise you with their emergence?
Trust the process. Trust your body. Trust the fertile darkness.
There’s magic waiting there for you.
Key Takeaways: Trusting Your Body’s Invisible Wisdom
The nervous system learns through “offline consolidation” - integration that happens between conscious practice sessions
What feels like being “stuck” is often a sign that deep reorganization is occurring beneath awareness
Midlife bodies possess accumulated wisdom and integration capacity that younger bodies haven’t developed
Healing happens in cycles that mirror nature’s seasons - including necessary periods of fertile darkness
Signs of integration work include fatigue, emotional sensitivity, dreams, and desire for solitude
Breakthrough moments often occur not during intensive practice, but in quiet spaces between sessions
Your body’s intelligence works in ways your thinking mind cannot control or fully understand
Trusting the fertile darkness means allowing transformation to happen in its own perfect timing
Ready to Trust The Fertile Darkness?
If you’re feeling stuck in your healing journey, if you’re questioning whether your practices are “working,” if you’re ready to trust the wisdom of your body’s natural rhythms, join us in the Embodied Well Membership.
All Autumn long, we’re exploring the fertile darkness - learning to trust the unseen work your body is always doing on your behalf. Through somatic movement, seasonal practices, and nervous system support, you’ll discover how to honor your body’s natural cycles of integration and emergence.
Join the Embodied Well Membership and learn to trust the magic happening in your own spaces between.
